Parenting Promise

So I’m scrolling through Facebook and I find this meme.  I’ve seen it many times before, and I always have the same reaction…

Here’s what the meme says:

“My promise to my children

For as long as I live I will always be your parent first and your friend second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when I have to, because I love you. When you understand that, I will know you have become a responsible adult. You will never find anyone else in your life who loves, prays, cares & worries about you more than I do. If you don’t mutter under your breath ‘I hate you’ at least once in your life, I am not doing my job properly.”

My reaction is this…This is a tragic sign of Monster/Victim culture – and in no way shows actual love, as it is loaded with fear, and lack of respect for the needs and feelings of the child. In typical monster fashion it tells the child that it is not the monster, but love that has caused all the harm, and they should then go back (as adults) and decide that all that punishment/harm (they experienced as children) was actually beneficial, and something to be grateful for. This also gives them permission to perpetuate the cycle, in the name of love – and to try to alleviate all their own guilt and internal struggle when they find that they hate being the monster just as much as their parent did.
*It is clear to me that we, as children, do not want to be the "victims" of our parents.  And we, as parents, do not want to be the "monsters" to our children.  In this cycle (which we all do because we don't know anything better), everyone is doing the best they know how, and yet everyone loses.

I decided to re-write the meme to say what I would like instead… Here’s my version.

For as long as I live, I will be here to guide you when you need me to, and to follow you when you are a better leader than I, regardless of our ages. I will love you unconditionally (meaning there are no conditions under which my love for you will falter, or fail). I will love you for exactly who you are without fear, or reservation. I will learn to hear you, and do my best to understand you even when I do not feel the same way. I will teach you to know and respect your feelings, and needs, and those of others with kindness and compassion. I will work to help you meet your needs, even if I cannot meet those needs myself. I hope that you will not only learn to love unconditionally, but help others to learn it as well, and that you find many others in your life who will love you as much as I do (even if I feel that’s impossible, and am competitive about that). I will help you to know that love will come to you in a multitude of different ways, and may not last as long as you would wish, and that’s ok. I will know I am doing my job properly when you grow up outside of the monster/victim cycle – a true hero…and that you are certain that I am not one of the monsters in your life (or at least that I am no longer such, and therefore you can forgive me for any time that I have been).