Harm

We all think we know what harm is, but have you ever really tried to define it?  In my experience most all of us are experiencing harm on a regular basis, and most of us are unaware both of the amount of harm being caused to us, and the amount of harm we cause to others.

In my hope of creating the world to be a more wonderful place, I hope to offer you some enlightenment and encouragement so that together we can both cause, and experience less harm!

There are two basic forms of harm: physical, and emotional.  Harm can be caused intentionally such as punching someone in the face, or calling someone “snuggle bear” even though you know it’s a trigger for them because that’s what their ex called them just before punching them in the face.  It can also be unintentional such as stepping on someone’s foot because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, or neglecting someone’s pain, upset, or need because you just can’t be bothered.

Harm can range from minimal, to maximum damage.  Some forms of harm that would seem to be minimal, when repeated many times over, can become maximum much like the continuous dripping of water that wears away granite.

Physical Harm – 1. intentionally, or through inaction, allowing hitting, kicking, slapping, pinching, pulling, pushing, shoving, forcing, etc. to occur, in any way that is considered unpleasant by the receiver (yourself or any other person or animal). 

*NOTE: It is not necessarily the behaviors themselves that are harmful; it is how they are performed.  All of these can be acceptable if they are rewarding for all involved, like a game of wrestling, tug-o-war, red hands, high 5‘s, body slams, etc..

2. that which causes a lasting physical damage (permanent or otherwise), such as eating lots of junk food, or breaking your leg (even if it was broken doing something fun).

Applied physical harm is not only unnecessary, it is extremely damaging to the relationship between individuals, regardless of age, sex or species.  In other words physical harm does not create respect, love, or enforce authority in any way that contributes to fulfillment.  What it does is create fear and aggression in both parties.  This is true even if you couple it with “positive reinforcement” or a reward. 

For example: Let’s say that I want to train you to perform a specific behavior.  We do not speak the same language, and therefore when I say to you “Cookamongaphobia,” you do not know what I want.  Because you do not offer the behavior that I want, I slap you.  Then I repeat, “Cookamongaphobia.”  This time you try to tell me that you don’t understand what I want by shrugging your shoulders and I slap you again.  There is no way for you to escape me because I have you on a leash.  You can’t do anything else until you figure out what I want from you.  I shove you away from me, and yell, “Cookamongaphobia!”  You fall to the floor, and upon sitting up; I give you a dime.  Then I get you back on your feet, and demand “Cookamongaphobia,” again.  Again I shove you, and again you land on the floor.  Upon sitting up I give you a pat on the head, and say something in a pleasant voice.  Then I get you back on your feet, and demand “Cookamongaphobia.”  Being an incredibly smart individual you immediately sit on the floor, and I smile and give you four more dimes as I speak to you again in a very excited, happy tone.  

Let’s say that at this point you know that Cookamongaphobia means sit on the floor (for some it would take a few more repetitions).  You can now perform the behavior when I ask for it and avoid any further slapping.  However, I would like you to examine your experience: Did you enjoy this method of learning?  How do you feel about me?  Are you interested in continuing our relationship and having further interactions with me? 

In my experience (having used this example verbally with thousands of people) no adult would be willing to take a second slap.  Many children would take a second slap, and would freeze, cry, or otherwise become quite fearful and distrustful of me.  Adults would either adamantly refuse to work for me or, as most say, they would hit back.  No one has ever said they would like me after such an interaction, and no one would be willing to forward our relationship even though I used “positive reinforcement” by giving them money, a pat on the head, and praise when they performed the correct behavior. 

Emotional Harm – Emotional harm is more difficult to define than physical.  This is much the same as how energy is more challenging to define than matter.  Since emotions are something happening internally for a person, a chemical reaction within them, there is no way to “make” someone feel something, unless you can affect them internally.  This is a very challenging concept as most people are taught from early childhood that they are responsible for how others feel.  For example: “you make me so proud,” “you make me so happy,”  “you make me so angry,” “you’re scaring me,” and the like. 

As a child we are taught to believe that we can actually make other people feel things; and yet try as we might to change someone’s feelings, others still get angry, disappointed, and upset.  This sets us up to fail on a regular basis, and contributes to our fear that we aren’t “good” or loveable. 

People are also taught to believe that others are responsible for our feelings.  This belief is very debilitating, and often leaves one feeling helpless, and powerless.  In an attempt to meet your needs (particularly social needs such as being heard, understood, accepted, etc.) you may ignore your feelings, try to behave contrary to your feelings, lash out, or perform many other anti-social behaviors.

As an adult you generally continue to blame others for your feelings, and take responsibility for how others feel despite the fact that you clearly don’t actually have the control you desire.  If you really could make someone feel what you wanted, the majority of people would be pretty darn happy all the time, since happy people are far more likely to be rewarding, and give you what you want. 

Emotional harm is something that happens in conjunction with circumstances where there is physical harm (just as energy is within matter), and also in circumstances without physical harm (just as energy can exist outside of matter).   In other words a person is harmed emotionally when they are punched, and can also be harmed emotionally when they are ignored. 

As previously stated, beings don’t have the power to make someone else feel something unless they can affect another internally.  That said beings do have the power to be affected by, and to affect someone else internally.  If one person intentionally (or through inaction) puts another being into a position where their survival is threatened (real or perceived), it’s very possible to raise their adrenaline and/or cortisol levels.  It is also possible to increase other hormones/chemical reactions (which affect emotion) through intimate touch, kissing, and either meeting, or denying someone their needs, either/both physical, and/or social. 

When you yell, scream, raise your voice, threaten, coerce, or use blame, shame and guilt on yourself, or another being you are very likely to send them into survival mode.  This may be physical, or social survival, and either way, if they go into survival mode, emotional harm will be experienced.

Beings can affect each other internally, and there is no way to know how another will choose to respond to their chemical reaction, nor ensure which, if any, chemical reaction they will have.  A being’s response to any given stimuli is directly related to their perception of those stimuli.  For Example: kissing someone can be perceived as affectionate on your part, and the other person may perceive it as uncomfortable, or even frightening.  OR – You may be angry and want to hurt someone by swearing at them, but if their perception is that you are swearing because you are in pain, they may offer you compassion and understanding, rather than being hurt. 

In other words, people can intentionally, and unintentionally cause emotional harm to others, and themselves.  However, you cannot know how another being will choose to perceive a situation, and thus cannot determine if harm will or won’t be caused, nor how much harm.  This is why communication is so important.  If harm is to be avoided, you must learn to express your perceptions, giving others an opportunity to offer compassion and understanding, and you must learn to offer to listen to others with compassion and understanding. 

*NOTE: Causing fear, aggression and/or other “negative” emotions does not cause harm if they are rewarding for all involved.  In other words the being is in thriving mode as opposed to survival mode.   This can show up in things such as a roller-coaster, scary movie, game of hide-n-seek, sharing upset, etc.  Of course there is no guarantee that these things won’t put someone into survival, as this too is dependent on how they perceive the experience.