FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR

Every pet owner is clear that there animal’s have feelings.  We all know that our beloved dog, cat, rat, etc., loves, fears, and expresses joy and sadness.  Scientists haven’t always agreed with us, (although they are starting to catch up).  To be clear, animals are living, feeling, beings…and we can know this scientifically because of how behavior works.

Like our DNA, behavior works in a series of binary switches.  What I mean by this is that there are several areas (binary pairings) that control EVERY behavior we have, and these are set up very much like switches in that a behavioral pairing with be On/On, On/Off, Off/On, or Off/Off.  Unlike simple switches however, the behavior pairings are sliding scales that work interdependently, and while they control different things, they cannot function alone.

The most well known is a life scale that moves between survival mode and thriving mode

SURVIVAL ß à THRIVING

All beings are working toward the goal of thriving; mere survival is simply not enough.  We don’t want to just have enough food to stay alive; we want enough food to be healthy.  We don’t want just one type of food; we want variety, and not just for health, but to enjoy the different flavors.  We want to thrive.  When we experience the On/On position, we experience both survival and thriving simultaneously.  This can happen when we ride a roller coaster.  We experience the adrenaline rush of survival, but do it intentionally so that we can have a thrill, and feel “more alive” – thus we are also in thriving mode.  In the Off/On position survival mode would be turned off, and thriving mode would be turned on.  This is experienced when we eat dessert.  Our survival does not require dessert; we eat this for pleasure, in order to thrive.  In the On/Off position survival mode would be turned on, and thriving mode would be turned off.  This is what happens if we are confronted with an immediate life-threatening situation.  There is also Off/Off where neither mode is on, which in this case indicates that the life has ceased to function.

In order to ensure survival or thriving, living beings will either repel that which is detrimental to them, or work to attract and keep what is beneficial to them.   This is the next life scale.

REPULSION ß à ATTRACTION

In this scale in the On/On position might look like needing to eat in order to survive, but only having a food available that is detested (you will both want to repel and attract it).  In the Off/On position repulsion would be turned off, and attraction would be turned on, meaning you would move toward, away, or be still in order to attract the thing desired: another being, food, object, heat, light, etc.  In the On/Off position repulsion would be turned on, and attraction would be turned off, meaning you would move toward, away, or be still in order to repel the thing that is unwanted: spider, clown, heat, germ, etc.  In the Off/Off neither repulsion, nor attraction is on, which indicates that there is a neutral feeling (or lack of awareness) about something, such as walking by one more ordinary rock among thousands. 

When experiencing repulsion and attraction in survival mode, they become the emotions of fear and love.  They may also be experienced as fear and love in thriving, but aren’t always.  Since all living beings need to survive and thrive, they all have the need to repel or attract, which means they all feel fear and love.  This is true because powerful emotions are necessary to motivate us to take action, and weak emotions won’t.

Emotions/feelings help living beings to know what is needed for continued survival, and thriving, and have their own scale.

UNNOTICEABLE ß à OVERWHELMING 

In the On/On position you would be somewhere in the middle of the scale with an emotion being both intense and barely noticeable simultaneously, for example parents tend to love their children rather intensely, but when they are concentrating on their work, that emotion (while still true), is barely noticeable.  In the Off/On position the emotion would be experienced simply as intense.  In the On/Off position the emotion would not really be experienced such as being hungry, but so busy having fun, that you really aren’t aware, or paying attention to that fact.  In Off/Off neither mode is on, which indicates that the emotion doesn’t exist.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t experience that emotion, but that not all emotions are experienced all the time. 

Emotions/feelings are necessary for showing us what our needs are, and whether that need is fulfilled, or in a state of lack.  This means that needs have a scale.

LACK ß à FULFILLMENT

In the On/On position you would be somewhere in the middle of the scale such as having the necessary amount of food (not in lack), and wishing there were more, or some other type (not in fulfillment).  In the Off/On position lack would be turned off, and fulfillment would be turned on; this is easily visible when you stop eating because you are fully satiated.  You have had all that you wanted, and what you wanted.  In the On/Off position lack would be turned on, and fulfillment would be turned off; this is very similar to survival mode, it is complete lack, it is starvation without death.  In Off/Off neither mode is on, which indicates that either there is no knowledge of the thing which could be in lack or fulfillment, or the life form has ceased to function.

All of these scales are massively important to every life form, and all of these scales function within the most important scale of all, the Law of behavior. 

In the On/On position the behavior is being rewarded, and is currently happening.

In the On/Off position the reward for the behavior is ceasing/losing power and the behavior is moving from currently happening, to stopping.

In the Off/On position the behavior is off, and there is a perceivable reward for the behavior that is causing the behavior to be turned on.

In the Off/Off position there is no perceivable reward for the behavior, and the behavior does not exist.

Now to be clear, I’m not saying that all living beings have all emotions, nor that emotions would be experienced in the same way in every living being.  An amoeba, for example, is a very simple life form, yet it does experience survival and thriving modes, and therefore does need to repel and attract that which it necessary to those modes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it had at least rudimentary feelings of fear and love.  I am certain that the more complex the life form, the more complex, and diverse their emotions are.  This means that insects have feelings, but not likely as many, or as complex as those of a cat.  All complex animals (cats, dogs, badgers, dolphins, etc.) will have more complex emotions. 

The complexity of emotions to a life form will be in direct correlation to the complexity of its ability to reason, think, and comprehend.  The higher the brain functions the more complex the emotions.  A goldfish for example does not have the same complexity of emotion that a dolphin has.  This doesn’t mean that a goldfish doesn’t experience love and fear, but that its experience of those emotions is simple, they aren’t likely to experience more complexity of emotion such as jealousy, ennui, or guilt, any more than they are capable of having complex thoughts such as being able to solve a simple math equation, or wondering if they would look better in a different color. 

All of this is very simple, and yet it is EVERYTHING! 

If you’d like to learn more, please check out my book: The Zombie Handbook: The Science Of Fear And Love.

http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Handbook-Science-Fear-Love-ebook/dp/B015HN9A4Q/ref=sr_1_6_twi_kin_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442964695&sr=8-6&keywords=the+zombie+handbook

Parenting Promise

So I’m scrolling through Facebook and I find this meme.  I’ve seen it many times before, and I always have the same reaction…

Here’s what the meme says:

“My promise to my children

For as long as I live I will always be your parent first and your friend second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when I have to, because I love you. When you understand that, I will know you have become a responsible adult. You will never find anyone else in your life who loves, prays, cares & worries about you more than I do. If you don’t mutter under your breath ‘I hate you’ at least once in your life, I am not doing my job properly.”

My reaction is this…This is a tragic sign of Monster/Victim culture – and in no way shows actual love, as it is loaded with fear, and lack of respect for the needs and feelings of the child. In typical monster fashion it tells the child that it is not the monster, but love that has caused all the harm, and they should then go back (as adults) and decide that all that punishment/harm (they experienced as children) was actually beneficial, and something to be grateful for. This also gives them permission to perpetuate the cycle, in the name of love – and to try to alleviate all their own guilt and internal struggle when they find that they hate being the monster just as much as their parent did.
*It is clear to me that we, as children, do not want to be the "victims" of our parents.  And we, as parents, do not want to be the "monsters" to our children.  In this cycle (which we all do because we don't know anything better), everyone is doing the best they know how, and yet everyone loses.

I decided to re-write the meme to say what I would like instead… Here’s my version.

For as long as I live, I will be here to guide you when you need me to, and to follow you when you are a better leader than I, regardless of our ages. I will love you unconditionally (meaning there are no conditions under which my love for you will falter, or fail). I will love you for exactly who you are without fear, or reservation. I will learn to hear you, and do my best to understand you even when I do not feel the same way. I will teach you to know and respect your feelings, and needs, and those of others with kindness and compassion. I will work to help you meet your needs, even if I cannot meet those needs myself. I hope that you will not only learn to love unconditionally, but help others to learn it as well, and that you find many others in your life who will love you as much as I do (even if I feel that’s impossible, and am competitive about that). I will help you to know that love will come to you in a multitude of different ways, and may not last as long as you would wish, and that’s ok. I will know I am doing my job properly when you grow up outside of the monster/victim cycle – a true hero…and that you are certain that I am not one of the monsters in your life (or at least that I am no longer such, and therefore you can forgive me for any time that I have been).

WRITING A GOOD STORY

Often, when talking to people about my fiction writing, they will ask me how I do it?  They want to know my process.  I realize that there are lots of different ways to write, and lots of authors have written about their process, and there are many places where aspiring authors can go to learn how to develop the “right” process.  However, in my opinion, we are all unique.  We don’t all thrive on the same diet, respond the same to medications, have the same reactions to spiders, public speaking, and clowns, and we don’t all have the same creative skills either.  Thankfully, we have many differences and our unique abilities help make the world a more wonderful place.   The “right” process for you, may be very different from my own, or very similar, in any case I’m happy to share in hopes that it will inspire!

When writing a story, first I have an idea of the kind of story I would like to hear.  This can be inspiration from many different sources such as another story that makes me question, “what if.”  It may come from a life event, a scientific theory, or an everyday experience.  Wherever you get your story inspiration from, let it come!  I then write down the idea I have, and usually a story starts to just come out.  Before I know it I’ll have 3-12 pages of plot, character, and “world” ideas.

Once I’ve written down my ideas, I start to flesh out the “world” I want to create.  I play god, and literally create a planet (or alternative to this one), with all it’s physical laws, and geography.  Once I have the world, I create a place in that world (where the story will start), a time (the age that my characters will live in, i.e. caveman, or high tech), and the creatures that live there (the basic wild-life, environment, plants, etc.).  This whole process can take quite a while, and stacks up pages, and pages of information – sometimes I even build a data base for the planet, and often even get a large ball to turn into a globe so that I can see the world I’ve created.

After the world is created, I begin to create the characters that I will put into that world.  I create each “person” individually.  I make a bio for them which includes: what they look like, their age, past experiences, parents, education, likes, dislikes, abilities, and an in-depth personality.

When I have my basic story outline, the world, and all my characters, I start writing.  At this point I simply insert my characters into the situation/story that I’ve chosen and I see what happens.  For me this experience is what makes it all worthwhile.  I’m not telling the story; I’m watching it unfold.  I let the characters behavior dictate how the story moves forward, and I can tell you they often end up in places I never thought they would go.  My story almost never looks like I think it’s going to, and I never experience writer’s block.  

When I wrote DNA, my original idea was that it would be broken down into two books, but my characters moved faster through the story than I thought they would, and we ended up on an amazing adventure!

Whenever I require a new character, I stop writing, design that character, and then insert them into their role.  I think this is why one of the compliments I hear most is about how amazingly realistic my characters are.  I NEVER sacrifice a character’s personality to move the story forward.  That’s not how real life works, and in real life the story keeps moving forward.  It may not go where I intended, but where it goes is always wonderful.

I hope this helps you, and that you enjoy the journey of watching your life unfold, whether in reality or fiction.

Harm

We all think we know what harm is, but have you ever really tried to define it?  In my experience most all of us are experiencing harm on a regular basis, and most of us are unaware both of the amount of harm being caused to us, and the amount of harm we cause to others.

In my hope of creating the world to be a more wonderful place, I hope to offer you some enlightenment and encouragement so that together we can both cause, and experience less harm!

There are two basic forms of harm: physical, and emotional.  Harm can be caused intentionally such as punching someone in the face, or calling someone “snuggle bear” even though you know it’s a trigger for them because that’s what their ex called them just before punching them in the face.  It can also be unintentional such as stepping on someone’s foot because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, or neglecting someone’s pain, upset, or need because you just can’t be bothered.

Harm can range from minimal, to maximum damage.  Some forms of harm that would seem to be minimal, when repeated many times over, can become maximum much like the continuous dripping of water that wears away granite.

Physical Harm – 1. intentionally, or through inaction, allowing hitting, kicking, slapping, pinching, pulling, pushing, shoving, forcing, etc. to occur, in any way that is considered unpleasant by the receiver (yourself or any other person or animal). 

*NOTE: It is not necessarily the behaviors themselves that are harmful; it is how they are performed.  All of these can be acceptable if they are rewarding for all involved, like a game of wrestling, tug-o-war, red hands, high 5‘s, body slams, etc..

2. that which causes a lasting physical damage (permanent or otherwise), such as eating lots of junk food, or breaking your leg (even if it was broken doing something fun).

Applied physical harm is not only unnecessary, it is extremely damaging to the relationship between individuals, regardless of age, sex or species.  In other words physical harm does not create respect, love, or enforce authority in any way that contributes to fulfillment.  What it does is create fear and aggression in both parties.  This is true even if you couple it with “positive reinforcement” or a reward. 

For example: Let’s say that I want to train you to perform a specific behavior.  We do not speak the same language, and therefore when I say to you “Cookamongaphobia,” you do not know what I want.  Because you do not offer the behavior that I want, I slap you.  Then I repeat, “Cookamongaphobia.”  This time you try to tell me that you don’t understand what I want by shrugging your shoulders and I slap you again.  There is no way for you to escape me because I have you on a leash.  You can’t do anything else until you figure out what I want from you.  I shove you away from me, and yell, “Cookamongaphobia!”  You fall to the floor, and upon sitting up; I give you a dime.  Then I get you back on your feet, and demand “Cookamongaphobia,” again.  Again I shove you, and again you land on the floor.  Upon sitting up I give you a pat on the head, and say something in a pleasant voice.  Then I get you back on your feet, and demand “Cookamongaphobia.”  Being an incredibly smart individual you immediately sit on the floor, and I smile and give you four more dimes as I speak to you again in a very excited, happy tone.  

Let’s say that at this point you know that Cookamongaphobia means sit on the floor (for some it would take a few more repetitions).  You can now perform the behavior when I ask for it and avoid any further slapping.  However, I would like you to examine your experience: Did you enjoy this method of learning?  How do you feel about me?  Are you interested in continuing our relationship and having further interactions with me? 

In my experience (having used this example verbally with thousands of people) no adult would be willing to take a second slap.  Many children would take a second slap, and would freeze, cry, or otherwise become quite fearful and distrustful of me.  Adults would either adamantly refuse to work for me or, as most say, they would hit back.  No one has ever said they would like me after such an interaction, and no one would be willing to forward our relationship even though I used “positive reinforcement” by giving them money, a pat on the head, and praise when they performed the correct behavior. 

Emotional Harm – Emotional harm is more difficult to define than physical.  This is much the same as how energy is more challenging to define than matter.  Since emotions are something happening internally for a person, a chemical reaction within them, there is no way to “make” someone feel something, unless you can affect them internally.  This is a very challenging concept as most people are taught from early childhood that they are responsible for how others feel.  For example: “you make me so proud,” “you make me so happy,”  “you make me so angry,” “you’re scaring me,” and the like. 

As a child we are taught to believe that we can actually make other people feel things; and yet try as we might to change someone’s feelings, others still get angry, disappointed, and upset.  This sets us up to fail on a regular basis, and contributes to our fear that we aren’t “good” or loveable. 

People are also taught to believe that others are responsible for our feelings.  This belief is very debilitating, and often leaves one feeling helpless, and powerless.  In an attempt to meet your needs (particularly social needs such as being heard, understood, accepted, etc.) you may ignore your feelings, try to behave contrary to your feelings, lash out, or perform many other anti-social behaviors.

As an adult you generally continue to blame others for your feelings, and take responsibility for how others feel despite the fact that you clearly don’t actually have the control you desire.  If you really could make someone feel what you wanted, the majority of people would be pretty darn happy all the time, since happy people are far more likely to be rewarding, and give you what you want. 

Emotional harm is something that happens in conjunction with circumstances where there is physical harm (just as energy is within matter), and also in circumstances without physical harm (just as energy can exist outside of matter).   In other words a person is harmed emotionally when they are punched, and can also be harmed emotionally when they are ignored. 

As previously stated, beings don’t have the power to make someone else feel something unless they can affect another internally.  That said beings do have the power to be affected by, and to affect someone else internally.  If one person intentionally (or through inaction) puts another being into a position where their survival is threatened (real or perceived), it’s very possible to raise their adrenaline and/or cortisol levels.  It is also possible to increase other hormones/chemical reactions (which affect emotion) through intimate touch, kissing, and either meeting, or denying someone their needs, either/both physical, and/or social. 

When you yell, scream, raise your voice, threaten, coerce, or use blame, shame and guilt on yourself, or another being you are very likely to send them into survival mode.  This may be physical, or social survival, and either way, if they go into survival mode, emotional harm will be experienced.

Beings can affect each other internally, and there is no way to know how another will choose to respond to their chemical reaction, nor ensure which, if any, chemical reaction they will have.  A being’s response to any given stimuli is directly related to their perception of those stimuli.  For Example: kissing someone can be perceived as affectionate on your part, and the other person may perceive it as uncomfortable, or even frightening.  OR – You may be angry and want to hurt someone by swearing at them, but if their perception is that you are swearing because you are in pain, they may offer you compassion and understanding, rather than being hurt. 

In other words, people can intentionally, and unintentionally cause emotional harm to others, and themselves.  However, you cannot know how another being will choose to perceive a situation, and thus cannot determine if harm will or won’t be caused, nor how much harm.  This is why communication is so important.  If harm is to be avoided, you must learn to express your perceptions, giving others an opportunity to offer compassion and understanding, and you must learn to offer to listen to others with compassion and understanding. 

*NOTE: Causing fear, aggression and/or other “negative” emotions does not cause harm if they are rewarding for all involved.  In other words the being is in thriving mode as opposed to survival mode.   This can show up in things such as a roller-coaster, scary movie, game of hide-n-seek, sharing upset, etc.  Of course there is no guarantee that these things won’t put someone into survival, as this too is dependent on how they perceive the experience.