SAVING THE WORLD

One of the most fascinating observations I know of is that almost everyone would like to save the world, or at least help in the process.  There are many different ways that this looks to different people.  When we think of saving the world, some people think of the big things like cleaning up the environment, stopping human trafficking, Reducing world pollution, getting clean water to every person in the world, tackling the world hunger problems, and the like.

Some people think politics, diseases, experimental drugs, endangered species, equal rights, particular freedoms, etc.  Some folks start smaller, cleaning up their neighborhood, scrubbing off graffiti, relocating a wild bear, running a local dog rescue, becoming a social worker, a nurse, a doctor, a therapist, etc.  It may be that we do little things in our daily lives such as volunteering at a soup kitchen, donating to a children’s fund, recycling, teaching our children to appreciate the beauty of the world, and so on.

When I look at my friends on social media, the majority of the videos that are shared, the types of things they are proud of, and the things people get upset about all show me that we, as a whole, want things to be better.  Everyone is wanting, hoping, doing something to make life better; we just don’t seem to agree on what it is that makes life better.  A great deal of the time I see people wasting time bickering about what they should do, what’s right, what’s wrong, who should be allowed to do something, and even whether or not something is actually important.

It seems to me that the first goal we need to have, is to find a place of agreement on how to help each other save the world, on what salvation would actually look like.  Is it religious?  Is it science?  Is it political?  Does it have to be one of those things?  Perhaps saving the world starts someplace we aren’t even sure of yet.

Perhaps saving the world begins with an understanding of what harm actually is…

Perhaps it starts with what an agreement as to what good and evil actually are…

Perhaps saving the world requires that we first begin to understand why living beings do what they do, so that we can stop the cycle of fear and aggression.

I believe that if we can get out of the Monster/Victim Cycle that we can save the world: in all the other beautiful, wonderful, amazing ways that people are inspired to do.  Getting out of the monster/victim cycle isn’t easy, but it is simple – and that is what I would like to contribute to help save the world. 

The Art Of Communication: Hearing The Need

Working with animals VS working with humans: the communication with each can be very challenging.  One of the biggest challenges in that we can speak to a human, and thus we don’t learn to “hear” what’s really going on for them.

With an animal, you have to “hear” them first…talking is impossible.   In other words, it’s important to notice all their body language, and everything they are telling you about their current experience so that you can understand what it is they need, and how to meet that need.

With humans, everyone tries to talk first…to be heard first… and then they will listen.  We think we can have a conversation and work things out, but we aren’t listening before the conversation happens, and we make judgments and assumptions during the conversation that make it impossible to “hear” what’s really going on.

For example, when I meet a dog and it shies away from me. What I need to hear is that the dog is fearful, and he has a need for safety – for respect – for me to back away, and let him come to me when he’s ready; which may be never unless I can help him to see that I heard him, and will meet his need.  Once that has happened – and I offer treats, and back away, and begin to create a history of reward, and allow the dog to get comfortable with me, and the new environment – then he will be able to start to listen – then a conversation can begin to happen – then I can start to tell him what’s going on for me.

The same thing is true for humans.  EXACTLY the same thing.  A client who comes in and begins human training with me is in an unfamiliar situation with a person they’ve met once.  When I begin to teach them about the Monster/Victim Cycle, and punishment; and they’re immediately defensiveness…I must “hear” the human.  Not the words that they are saying, but what the need is.

I have to recognize that this person is hurt, frightened, cannot meet me where I am.  I cannot approach her, and I must back away and prove that I am safe.  I cannot force anything on her; I must let her feel safe where she is.  If I can do that, then she might let me stay around long enough to build a history of reward.  If I can show her (without being a threat to her) that it’s safe to escape the Monster/Victim Cycle, safe to be kind, that kindness doesn’t make you a victim, and I can undo her fear – then, and only then will I truly have the opportunity to teach her.

FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR

Every pet owner is clear that there animal’s have feelings.  We all know that our beloved dog, cat, rat, etc., loves, fears, and expresses joy and sadness.  Scientists haven’t always agreed with us, (although they are starting to catch up).  To be clear, animals are living, feeling, beings…and we can know this scientifically because of how behavior works.

Like our DNA, behavior works in a series of binary switches.  What I mean by this is that there are several areas (binary pairings) that control EVERY behavior we have, and these are set up very much like switches in that a behavioral pairing with be On/On, On/Off, Off/On, or Off/Off.  Unlike simple switches however, the behavior pairings are sliding scales that work interdependently, and while they control different things, they cannot function alone.

The most well known is a life scale that moves between survival mode and thriving mode

SURVIVAL ß à THRIVING

All beings are working toward the goal of thriving; mere survival is simply not enough.  We don’t want to just have enough food to stay alive; we want enough food to be healthy.  We don’t want just one type of food; we want variety, and not just for health, but to enjoy the different flavors.  We want to thrive.  When we experience the On/On position, we experience both survival and thriving simultaneously.  This can happen when we ride a roller coaster.  We experience the adrenaline rush of survival, but do it intentionally so that we can have a thrill, and feel “more alive” – thus we are also in thriving mode.  In the Off/On position survival mode would be turned off, and thriving mode would be turned on.  This is experienced when we eat dessert.  Our survival does not require dessert; we eat this for pleasure, in order to thrive.  In the On/Off position survival mode would be turned on, and thriving mode would be turned off.  This is what happens if we are confronted with an immediate life-threatening situation.  There is also Off/Off where neither mode is on, which in this case indicates that the life has ceased to function.

In order to ensure survival or thriving, living beings will either repel that which is detrimental to them, or work to attract and keep what is beneficial to them.   This is the next life scale.

REPULSION ß à ATTRACTION

In this scale in the On/On position might look like needing to eat in order to survive, but only having a food available that is detested (you will both want to repel and attract it).  In the Off/On position repulsion would be turned off, and attraction would be turned on, meaning you would move toward, away, or be still in order to attract the thing desired: another being, food, object, heat, light, etc.  In the On/Off position repulsion would be turned on, and attraction would be turned off, meaning you would move toward, away, or be still in order to repel the thing that is unwanted: spider, clown, heat, germ, etc.  In the Off/Off neither repulsion, nor attraction is on, which indicates that there is a neutral feeling (or lack of awareness) about something, such as walking by one more ordinary rock among thousands. 

When experiencing repulsion and attraction in survival mode, they become the emotions of fear and love.  They may also be experienced as fear and love in thriving, but aren’t always.  Since all living beings need to survive and thrive, they all have the need to repel or attract, which means they all feel fear and love.  This is true because powerful emotions are necessary to motivate us to take action, and weak emotions won’t.

Emotions/feelings help living beings to know what is needed for continued survival, and thriving, and have their own scale.

UNNOTICEABLE ß à OVERWHELMING 

In the On/On position you would be somewhere in the middle of the scale with an emotion being both intense and barely noticeable simultaneously, for example parents tend to love their children rather intensely, but when they are concentrating on their work, that emotion (while still true), is barely noticeable.  In the Off/On position the emotion would be experienced simply as intense.  In the On/Off position the emotion would not really be experienced such as being hungry, but so busy having fun, that you really aren’t aware, or paying attention to that fact.  In Off/Off neither mode is on, which indicates that the emotion doesn’t exist.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t experience that emotion, but that not all emotions are experienced all the time. 

Emotions/feelings are necessary for showing us what our needs are, and whether that need is fulfilled, or in a state of lack.  This means that needs have a scale.

LACK ß à FULFILLMENT

In the On/On position you would be somewhere in the middle of the scale such as having the necessary amount of food (not in lack), and wishing there were more, or some other type (not in fulfillment).  In the Off/On position lack would be turned off, and fulfillment would be turned on; this is easily visible when you stop eating because you are fully satiated.  You have had all that you wanted, and what you wanted.  In the On/Off position lack would be turned on, and fulfillment would be turned off; this is very similar to survival mode, it is complete lack, it is starvation without death.  In Off/Off neither mode is on, which indicates that either there is no knowledge of the thing which could be in lack or fulfillment, or the life form has ceased to function.

All of these scales are massively important to every life form, and all of these scales function within the most important scale of all, the Law of behavior. 

In the On/On position the behavior is being rewarded, and is currently happening.

In the On/Off position the reward for the behavior is ceasing/losing power and the behavior is moving from currently happening, to stopping.

In the Off/On position the behavior is off, and there is a perceivable reward for the behavior that is causing the behavior to be turned on.

In the Off/Off position there is no perceivable reward for the behavior, and the behavior does not exist.

Now to be clear, I’m not saying that all living beings have all emotions, nor that emotions would be experienced in the same way in every living being.  An amoeba, for example, is a very simple life form, yet it does experience survival and thriving modes, and therefore does need to repel and attract that which it necessary to those modes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it had at least rudimentary feelings of fear and love.  I am certain that the more complex the life form, the more complex, and diverse their emotions are.  This means that insects have feelings, but not likely as many, or as complex as those of a cat.  All complex animals (cats, dogs, badgers, dolphins, etc.) will have more complex emotions. 

The complexity of emotions to a life form will be in direct correlation to the complexity of its ability to reason, think, and comprehend.  The higher the brain functions the more complex the emotions.  A goldfish for example does not have the same complexity of emotion that a dolphin has.  This doesn’t mean that a goldfish doesn’t experience love and fear, but that its experience of those emotions is simple, they aren’t likely to experience more complexity of emotion such as jealousy, ennui, or guilt, any more than they are capable of having complex thoughts such as being able to solve a simple math equation, or wondering if they would look better in a different color. 

All of this is very simple, and yet it is EVERYTHING! 

If you’d like to learn more, please check out my book: The Zombie Handbook: The Science Of Fear And Love.

http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Handbook-Science-Fear-Love-ebook/dp/B015HN9A4Q/ref=sr_1_6_twi_kin_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442964695&sr=8-6&keywords=the+zombie+handbook

Parenting Promise

So I’m scrolling through Facebook and I find this meme.  I’ve seen it many times before, and I always have the same reaction…

Here’s what the meme says:

“My promise to my children

For as long as I live I will always be your parent first and your friend second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when I have to, because I love you. When you understand that, I will know you have become a responsible adult. You will never find anyone else in your life who loves, prays, cares & worries about you more than I do. If you don’t mutter under your breath ‘I hate you’ at least once in your life, I am not doing my job properly.”

My reaction is this…This is a tragic sign of Monster/Victim culture – and in no way shows actual love, as it is loaded with fear, and lack of respect for the needs and feelings of the child. In typical monster fashion it tells the child that it is not the monster, but love that has caused all the harm, and they should then go back (as adults) and decide that all that punishment/harm (they experienced as children) was actually beneficial, and something to be grateful for. This also gives them permission to perpetuate the cycle, in the name of love – and to try to alleviate all their own guilt and internal struggle when they find that they hate being the monster just as much as their parent did.
*It is clear to me that we, as children, do not want to be the "victims" of our parents.  And we, as parents, do not want to be the "monsters" to our children.  In this cycle (which we all do because we don't know anything better), everyone is doing the best they know how, and yet everyone loses.

I decided to re-write the meme to say what I would like instead… Here’s my version.

For as long as I live, I will be here to guide you when you need me to, and to follow you when you are a better leader than I, regardless of our ages. I will love you unconditionally (meaning there are no conditions under which my love for you will falter, or fail). I will love you for exactly who you are without fear, or reservation. I will learn to hear you, and do my best to understand you even when I do not feel the same way. I will teach you to know and respect your feelings, and needs, and those of others with kindness and compassion. I will work to help you meet your needs, even if I cannot meet those needs myself. I hope that you will not only learn to love unconditionally, but help others to learn it as well, and that you find many others in your life who will love you as much as I do (even if I feel that’s impossible, and am competitive about that). I will help you to know that love will come to you in a multitude of different ways, and may not last as long as you would wish, and that’s ok. I will know I am doing my job properly when you grow up outside of the monster/victim cycle – a true hero…and that you are certain that I am not one of the monsters in your life (or at least that I am no longer such, and therefore you can forgive me for any time that I have been).