The Art Of Communication: Hearing The Need

Working with animals VS working with humans: the communication with each can be very challenging.  One of the biggest challenges in that we can speak to a human, and thus we don’t learn to “hear” what’s really going on for them.

With an animal, you have to “hear” them first…talking is impossible.   In other words, it’s important to notice all their body language, and everything they are telling you about their current experience so that you can understand what it is they need, and how to meet that need.

With humans, everyone tries to talk first…to be heard first… and then they will listen.  We think we can have a conversation and work things out, but we aren’t listening before the conversation happens, and we make judgments and assumptions during the conversation that make it impossible to “hear” what’s really going on.

For example, when I meet a dog and it shies away from me. What I need to hear is that the dog is fearful, and he has a need for safety – for respect – for me to back away, and let him come to me when he’s ready; which may be never unless I can help him to see that I heard him, and will meet his need.  Once that has happened – and I offer treats, and back away, and begin to create a history of reward, and allow the dog to get comfortable with me, and the new environment – then he will be able to start to listen – then a conversation can begin to happen – then I can start to tell him what’s going on for me.

The same thing is true for humans.  EXACTLY the same thing.  A client who comes in and begins human training with me is in an unfamiliar situation with a person they’ve met once.  When I begin to teach them about the Monster/Victim Cycle, and punishment; and they’re immediately defensiveness…I must “hear” the human.  Not the words that they are saying, but what the need is.

I have to recognize that this person is hurt, frightened, cannot meet me where I am.  I cannot approach her, and I must back away and prove that I am safe.  I cannot force anything on her; I must let her feel safe where she is.  If I can do that, then she might let me stay around long enough to build a history of reward.  If I can show her (without being a threat to her) that it’s safe to escape the Monster/Victim Cycle, safe to be kind, that kindness doesn’t make you a victim, and I can undo her fear – then, and only then will I truly have the opportunity to teach her.